signs of stendhal

Intense question. Most people might say I’m not the one to ask, since the two times I really had my heart broken I would’ve been better off getting hit by a bus on fire. But I would counter and say that’s actually the best way to go. Feel it fully. Don’t judge your reactions, at least for a while. There’s too much emphasis on “getting through” a break up (or “getting over” a person, as if you could or should completely banish anyone to your emotional past). More thought should be given to figuring out how not to waste the experience, how to “integrate” both the high points and the loss so in the end you’re a better, stronger, more self-aware version of yourself.

Hence it may be irresponsible, but I say everyone should treat themselves to a total fucking meltdown if that’s what wants to wash over them. Question everything. Question who you are and what you love and whether you’re on the path you claim to care about. Question whether you were kidding yourself and whether you deserved that person and whether you wasted your time. It’s OK. It’s happening on some level anyway so it might as well come to the surface.

But then — and this is absolutely essential, the whole point, really — open yourself up to the answers. The REAL answers, which are also trying to pierce through your racing thoughts into surface consciousness. Friends will have other answers ready for you, the ones they’re there to provide when you need it — Oh s/he was a loser, you’re such a catch, you can do so much better, you’re better off single, etc., etc. — but those are just lifelines to grab onto when you’re really sinking in the worst of it. When you’re ready to face them, you need to let your own conclusions speak to you, and you need to take them seriously even if it’s painful.

Maybe you are short-tempered in the mornings. Maybe you really do talk down to people when you’re nervous. Maybe you’re even lame in bed. Maybe you can’t bond with anyone who wants to take care of you. Maybe you’re really spendy or really stingy — and maybe you don’t want to change that, which is totally fine, but these are deal-breakers for some people so it ain’t a bad idea to question what about yourself is (a) true and (b) worth defending.

Considering and even accepting such things is not the same as accepting blame for them. It’s no one’s “fault” if you’re imperfect or harbor emotional/sexual blockages — certainly everyone does to some degree and we’re meant to help each other work through them. So in fact feeling totally busted into pieces is a perfect opportunity to inventory those pieces and figure out what’s missing, what you’re proud of, what you want to make bigger/faster/stronger so you can rebuild into your Six Million Dollar Self. 

Of course this would involve probing issues and reflexes that go well beyond a recently ended relationship, so procede slowly. Wait until your mind and self-concept aren’t totally orbiting around that one person. Take advantage of doing the things you love, especially if you’d lapsed in doing them while en couple, and take comfort in your friends’ fierce loyalties as needed. Just don’t coddle yourself with the myth that anyone is too good/not good enough for anyone else. Sometimes it’s the wrong match and sometimes we aren’t ready for the real deal yet, but everyone deserves love, connection, recognition. Including you — that, ultimately, is what your deep-seated intuitive answers should affirm, and a devastating heartbreak can help with that if you let it. 

NOTE: I’ve written this assuming we’re talking about an overall healthy relationship. I have no qualifications for giving advice about an abusive relationship.